- Show up late. Or better, don’t show up at all. Get the person stood up, and you’ll never hear from them ever again.
- Be shabbily dressed. Now is the time to take out those clothes sitting at the bottom of your messy cupboard. Those long ignored dresses and shirts that you haven’t worn in so many years and have turned really old.
- Don’t make eye contact at all. Or, make steadfast eye contact, staring into the soul of the person, making them very uncomfortable.
- Call the waiter by saying ‘chh chh’ or snap your fingers. Remember the Lage Raho Munnabhai scene? Just apply those principles.
- Be a brat, even if you’re not one. Cut their sentences, be obnoxious and flaunt yourself. Now is the time to summon that inner narcissistic self that you otherwise don’t get to express in society.
- Be absolutely silent and only nod. Or be extremely talkative and irritating by asking way too many unnecessary questions.
- Diss the other person’s food choices and fashion sense. Even a facial expression will suffice.
- Visibly use Tinder in front of them. Let them know you’re swiping people right, sitting right in front of them.
- Stretch your arm across the table and reach into their plate without asking for permission. If they’re a ‘Joey’, they will definitely be offended and leave right away. If not, it will get you rejected eventually.
- Cry. Cry your eyes out. Or go with a swollen face and red eyes. Nothing puts someone off than having to deal with a crying person on the first date.
- Don’t pay once the bill comes. Don’t even offer to split. Just pretend to be booking an Uber. Even better, don’t take your wallet with you at all and make the person aware of this fact.
- Leave immediately. Don’t spend too much time around after the bill has been paid. Sit in the Uber and leave. Don’t offer to book a cab, drop them home or wait until their ride arrives. Don’t even say bye, just get up and walk away.
Kreator: Trisha Welde